How to be happy episode 4 of 12:

Create healthy boundaries for the benefit of all.

BY: RAVEN MOURNINGDOVE - MARVOLUS WHO HAS A B.A. CPC SUDPT IS A SUBSTANCE ABUSE COUNSELOR AND SPECIALIZES IN CRISIS AND TRAUMA, LGBTQ HUMANS AND CULTURAL COMPETENCY.

Boundaries are something that almost everyone will struggle with at one point or another. This isn't an accident. From the time we are very young we are taught to push back or ignore our boundaries and shove down our emotional cues related to them in fear of being seen as uncivilized or unmannered. For generations people thought it was ok to force children to be agreeable all the time for fear of not being accepted or making others uncomfortable. We also as a society often dismiss or belittle children's feelings as silly or unimportant. We don't give them the strong sense of self and ability to communicate that is needed to set clear and and healthy boundaries within this model. 

This leads to a society filled with full grown adults that cannot say what they mean, ask for what they need, or be comfortable with the naked truth. 

I think the first step here is to understand that though we think we are avoiding untold unpleasantness with our lack of boundaries, this behavior leads to more problems than setting boundaries ever could. Resentment is what happens when we can't express our truth and resentment is relationship poison. We need to try to imagine each problem we encounter as an opportunity to strengthen our relationships and prioritize our needs or conversely we could choose to put pressure on our relationship and ignore our needs. It is sad and ironic that we often mess up our relationships by missing the opportunities to connect.  Because we are afraid to lose the relationship. By doing so, we make our fears avoid changing reality and have no one to blame for the hellish and repressed life we lead but ourselves. However, it is important to know that shame and blame are beside the point. It is important to remember that no matter how or why you got here, here is where you are. So take stock of whatever mistakes you make, but only so you can take responsibility for repairing them. Our mistakes have nothing to do with who we are or what we are worth. 

Humans are creatures of habit, we believe that change is scary and often we go to great lengths to convince ourselves that we should not embark upon any journey that requires it for one simple reason. 

We need to get comfortable with the fact that life is often uncomfortable - especially while we're growing. 

At some point we (hopefully) finally will get uncomfortable enough to realize that we need to try to create some boundaries. If the way we are taught to get along isn't working and doesn't feel honest or safe, maybe we should try something else. Boundaries have more benefits than most realize. They protect your relationships, help you enjoy deeper connections, and repair your hurt feelings and those of others, and most importantly, they help you genuinely enjoy your life. There is no amount of polite or even loving repression that can ever compare to the freedom of living your truth or creating the level of intimacy that honest communication does. 

I say this as someone who lived both ways - I would never go back to what I thought was comfortable after freeing myself. Honest boundaries freed me in ways that all the lies and rationalizations I was using to comfort myself never did. I thought I was creating a fortress of solitude to keep myself safe, instead I was creating a prison for myself out of fear. 

 Each time you are interacting with people, you can see it as an opportunity for connection. You can choose to reject that opportunity by refusing to be vulnerable and walling ourselves off from the world. Or, you can choose to open ourselves to that connection by being honest about how we feel. 

Remember, humans need connection to live, when considering this choice. This world can be a dark and lonely place and we must create bright spots to find our way.  Sadly,  we have spent most of our lives waiting for someone to come along with a lantern. 

We have spent enough of our lives waiting in my estimation, it is safe to say that model doesn't work by now. However, even if you are lucky enough to find that bright flash of happiness in someone else, that makes you dependent on another person (that is mortal and that you cannot control) for your happiness. That model isn't sustainable, even the best partner can't be expected to read your mind or make up for your every insecurity. That's not fair to expect for anyone and you are basically breaking your own heart by setting expectations too high. 

We are all taught some unhelpful ideas that we need to work on changing if we want a shot at creating some happiness for ourselves. I know it's risky, but if you're not happy now, you've got nothing to lose. 

I recommend everyone start with beginner boundaries, which can be broken down into behaviors/practices we can try. This includes:

  •  Being honest and curious about our feelings

  • Going to therapy to build understanding/knowledge of your own challenges and strengths.

  • Educating yourself about whatever it is that you are facing. This is a battle and you need to know your enemy. (Try the Better 

  • boundaries workbook. Type PDF after it in Google search and you can print it for free online). 

  • Leaning toward connection and vulnerability instead of away. 

  • Saying no when we want to or feel it's best for us. 

  • Telling people what we want and expect, not expecting them to read your mind. Sadly,  most people are not psychic. 

  • Pay attention to other people asserting their boundaries so you can witness that it's not the end of the world and learn some language to talk about yours. 

Take care out there, my friends!



- RAVEN